To Goop or Not to Goop

Three evenings ago a group of 10 delightful women whom I have come to know and love, just absolutely took it upon them selves to abandon my housemates and I in our hour of need. They had the cheek to leave us with troughs of Almond Mousse, Praliné Brest and La Bête Noire. Although they did take home scraps to their spouses, the portions were barely enough to feed a mouse.

Their pretext in this lapse of manners was because they were afraid it would go their hips! What a wretched excuse! I mean after all, was it reasonable enough for my derriere to be labeled ‘caution wide load’ but not theirs? How selfish of them. Hmmpf.

Well…after my indignation wore off and I began licking these fripperies from my fingers which, coincidentally, just happened to slip into the bowl, I realized the combination of the three flavors was an admirable new creation. Hmmm. What would I call this new potion? I like to toss thoughts like that around in my head for a while so I decided to sleep on it. The thoughts not the creation.

The following day had proved to be a long and tiring one, so after eating leftovers of Chicken Almond, Black Swine and Cucumber tea sandwiches I asked my housemates the customary “Did you have enough to eat?” It seems I am always concerned about the state of my friends’ stomachs. They requested a bit of dessert and so I brought out the three containers of saccharine snippets.

When asked to be reminded of their names I responded with “this is Praline Mousse, this one is Chocolate Mousse and this one is…” I was tired and couldn’t for the life of me remember the word almond. “This one is…I don’t know some kind of white goop.”

So here it is Sunday afternoon and I am exploring the contents of the ice box wondering what I should cook for dinner. I no longer wanted quiche since I had a small piece for breakfast. I had melon and Prosciutto for lunch. Let me see. We have leftover chicken, lots of veggies which would make a great pot of Jewish Penicillin, and…goop. Which one do we partake of?

To Goop or not to goop, that is the question? Do we eat the leftovers that are still fit for human consumption, or do we simply smear them on our thighs since that is exactly where they will end up anyway so why go to the trouble of eating them? I can hear the melodious sounds of Nelson Eddy and Jeannette McDonalds song wafting from the three containers. “I am calling you-oo-oo-oo-oo.” But the voice inside of my head is countering with the Supremes “Stop. In the name of love, before they break your butt. Think it oh-oh-ver. Think it oh-oh-ver.”

Well I thought it oh-oh-ver and the recipe for the day is…..

Jewish Penicillin

3-4 pound ready to eat roasted chicken
2 tablespoons canola oil
2 cups onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 cups mushrooms, sliced
1/4 cup flour
2 cups carrot, sliced thin
2 cups celery, sliced
2 cups broccoli, chopped
3/4 teaspoon tarragon
1/4 teaspoon thyme
2 cups white wine
1 1/2 cups evaporated milk

It is important to start with a completely roasted chicken. Believe it or not, a cooked chicken is much more flavorful than an uncooked one. Place it in a large stock pot. Add just enough chicken broth to cover it. Put it on low heat, cover and go to the movies, go for a Sunday drive, anything you’d like. Just leave the pot alone for minimum of 4 hours. Don’t even stir it. When the chicken has begin to fall off the bone, you’ll want to remove the chicken, bones and all. Set aside to cool. Continue simmering the broth.

When the chicken is cool enough to handle, separate the chicken from the bones discarding the bones as well as other unwanted parts such as the skin. Return chicken to the pot. Continue simmering.

In a separate skillet, sauté the onions, garlic and mushrooms in the canola oil. Cook them for about 8-10 minutes or until the mushrooms just turn golden. Whisk in the flour. Add to the chicken. Add the remaining veggies, herbs and wine. Simmer for about 20-30 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes or so or until veggies are tender.

Add cooked egg noodles just before serving if so desired.




Post Script. To my Sunday morning cohorts; I do hope you know it is all in jest. I love you dearly and have already forgiven you your blunder. Guffaw, guffaw.

Nutritional Therapy 101 - A little self-indulgence is good for everyone

Day 1 of the journey to smaller and better things like jeans that fit, or a bathing suit I don't look like a beached whale in. No box, bag or can. Hmmm. How can I do this?

At first I was thinking that breakfast was going to be difficult. I mean most breakfasts come in boxes right? Fruit Loops; Cocoa Puffs; Granola bars; Pop-Tarts; Oreos; even Carnation instant breakfast or Slim Fast (the latter of which by the way goes great with the pop-tarts, Oreos and granola bars). They all come in boxes!

Actually what’s difficult for me is remembering to eat the meal at all. I am usually busy working on this project or that; sending out resumes to places I’d really rather not work but need the job; working on one of the books I’m writing which is the toughest thing for me cuz I have an incredible imagination and am always coming up with new stories, but the hours in each day are not increasing to accommodate all those thoughts swimming around in my head.

Anyway, by around 11:00 AM and 5 or 6 cups of coffee later, my stomach reminds me, none so gently I might add, that I have forgotten it yet again. By the way I’m not so good at punctuation so if I have a participle dangling off the page somewhere, please forgive me.

So...back to breakfast.

Eggs; The perfect meal unto itself. Whether scrambled, poached, fried or baked you can eat this little protein miracle that comes in its own cute little container, all by itself. So for today, since I am preparing the food for a High Tea for 14 this evening and quiche will be served, I think I am going to make an extra one just for me. After all I'm worth a little indulgence now and then aren't I? Aren't you worth it?

Okay. So maybe you can't make it just before you herd your six kids and a harried husband out the door so you can put in 10 hours behind a desk, while daydreaming of the tropical island you found for sale and wish you were on, on The Write Way to Travel web site, but you can make it this weekend right? I mean the kids can forgo the 4-H judging at the county fair this one year, right? Besides, you're not going to eat the whole thing, so however many slices are leftover, they can be individually wrapped and frozen to be taken out any morning of the week when you feel a little self-indulgent.

Basic Pastry Dough
3 cups all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon sea salt
1 cup unsalted butter, chilled and cut in small pieces
2/3 cup chilled water

Place the flour and the salt in the bowl of a food processor and process to mix. Cut the butter in chunks and add it to the flour. Process it, using pulses, until the butter is incorporated into the flour and the mixture looks like coarse cornmeal.

With the food processor running, add the water and process briefly, using pulses, just until the pastry beings to hold together in large clumps. Divide the pastry into two equal portions, placing one of the halves onto a floured work surface and gather it into a ball. Proceed with the following recipe:

Quiche au Fromage
12 large eggs
1 cup heavy cream or crème fraîche
1/3 cup sour cream
2 cup milk (preferably whole)
6 ounces each gruyère, brie, and extra sharp cheddar
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground nutmeg - optional

Roll out the pastry to fit a 10-1/2 inch glass or metal pie plate (NOT removable bottom). Crimp the edges, poke the bottom with a fork or the tip of a sharp knife, and place the pastry in the freezer for 30 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 425°F. Line the pastry with aluminum foil and pastry weights (a bag of beans will do in a pinch, but please take them out of the plastic bag they came in!) and bake in the bottom third of the oven until the pastry is golden at the edges, or about 15 minutes. Remove from the oven and take off the aluminum foil and pastry weights (or beans). Return the pastry to the oven to bake for an additional 5 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside.

In a medium-sized bowl, whisk together the eggs, cream, and the milk until thoroughly blended. Season with the salt and pepper, then add the cheese and stir until it is blended. Divide the mixture evenly between the pre-baked pastry shells, and spread evenly over the bottom of the pastry. Sprinkle the top with nutmeg and bake in the center of the oven until the filling is golden and puffed, and is completely baked through, about 30 minutes.

To test for doneness, stick a sharp knife blade into the center of the filling and if it comes out clean, the quiche is done. Remove the quiche from the oven and serve immediately.

Now...if this seems like an awful lot of quiche...it is. Remember I was making quiche for 14, but the recipe actually makes enough for 20, so feel free to divide the recipe in half if you just want one.

Oakie Doakie. Talk to you guys later.

REAL Women DON'T Diet

Have you ever really taken a good look at all the hundreds of diets out there and thought...surely you jest?

I have heard it said that you are what you eat. Let me just say that if you sink your hard earned money into one of these ‘we’ll get you skinny if it kills you’ diets, then you are probably a rump roast.

I mean come on, there's Jenny Craig...LA Weight Loss...Nutri-system...Bob Greene…to name an insignificant few of the ones that cost you the most amount of money per pound.

And let us not forget of course the oh so ever popular Oprah Diet of the month club. I mean get real. If Oprah can't get it right who can? I'm not knocking Oprah. Believe me I'm not, but if Oprah with everything she has at her disposal can not loose weight and keep it off, then how do we, the average Jane, know which will work for us? Eeny, Meany, Miny, Moe?

Do you choose the one where you not only have to weigh yourself in front of another human being who is not dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging around her neck, but you also have to weigh every morsel that passes your lips or count each item in the fat-free, taste-free category…I HATE SCALES...I don't have time for scales...When it comes to snack time, by golly, if I want fruit, I am going to eat more than just 12 raisins, I don't care if that is a full serving.

There's the one that matches your personality. Well…I’m fat and sassy and I don’t know about you, but most diets stay away from fat and I have never heard of a sassy diet.

One where you eat only grains and no protein…I tried that one once and gave it up when I started whinnying.

If all else fails, there is a diet that caters (no pun intended) to your blood type...Well what if you don't know your blood type? But I did so I looked into it anyway, and it said I should eat nothing but grains. Once more, I am not a horse.

And of course there is the constantly in the news, all you can eat beef, pork or chicken diet...Oh PULEEZE! Again you can eat a pound of bacon but you can’t have an apple. Make sense to you or am I the only idiot who doesn’t get it?

So what now? I have no clue but I will tell you about something someone said to me years ago that I have never forgotten.

I had a customer come into my store every single day. A little guy from Korea; Just the cutest thing; Anyway…He would buy his one item, pay for it; bow and leave.

One day he came in and as he was paying for it he said “It’s my birthday today.”

“It is? Well happy birthday.”

“Tell me how old am I missus.”

I am horrible at the age game and I didn’t want to offend him. What if I was wrong? Oh well. I’d give it the old college try.

“52 maybe?” I cringed thinking perhaps he was one of those old looking 45 year olds. He just smiled, so I knew I had under guessed by a few years.

“I have lived 84 years today,” he beamed.

“Yeah right” I said. There was no way I was off by 32 years. He just smiled and nodded and I knew he wasn't lying. “What’s your secret?” I asked.

“I eat only what is given from God.” Well, I am not really sure what that meant but it’ always stuck with me just the same.

So here I am six years later, an overweight, out of work pastry chef, creating a blog that probably no one will read, wondering what do I do with the rest of my life?

Do I start one of those ‘I’ll try it, but will more than likely forget about it by the end of the week’ fad diets anyway? Probably not. Do I binge on the half gallon of homemade Piña Coloda ice cream I have hidden from my roommates in the freezer? Probably shouldn’t.

The truth is I love food too much to diet. I am not disciplined enough to diet and have absolutely no desire to go on a diet.

So tomorrow maybe I'll try to start getting younger.

I don't know if this is really what the old man meant (by the way, his name is Hal), but my take on it is…if it comes in a bag, a box or a can, you shouldn't eat it. Of course there are exceptions to even that rule for me. I mean I am a huge milk drinker and as much as I am an animal lover too, I can’t just bring home an udder. Ya know? But we will learn about these as we go along.

Tomorrow, August 13th, 2009 this 5 foot 8 inch 264 pound chef is going to give up everything that isn’t real. For the next 107 pounds I will share the good the bad and the ugly with you as well as the recipes I’ll create ‘out of the box’.