REAL Women DON'T Diet

Have you ever really taken a good look at all the hundreds of diets out there and thought...surely you jest?

I have heard it said that you are what you eat. Let me just say that if you sink your hard earned money into one of these ‘we’ll get you skinny if it kills you’ diets, then you are probably a rump roast.

I mean come on, there's Jenny Craig...LA Weight Loss...Nutri-system...Bob Greene…to name an insignificant few of the ones that cost you the most amount of money per pound.

And let us not forget of course the oh so ever popular Oprah Diet of the month club. I mean get real. If Oprah can't get it right who can? I'm not knocking Oprah. Believe me I'm not, but if Oprah with everything she has at her disposal can not loose weight and keep it off, then how do we, the average Jane, know which will work for us? Eeny, Meany, Miny, Moe?

Do you choose the one where you not only have to weigh yourself in front of another human being who is not dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging around her neck, but you also have to weigh every morsel that passes your lips or count each item in the fat-free, taste-free category…I HATE SCALES...I don't have time for scales...When it comes to snack time, by golly, if I want fruit, I am going to eat more than just 12 raisins, I don't care if that is a full serving.

There's the one that matches your personality. Well…I’m fat and sassy and I don’t know about you, but most diets stay away from fat and I have never heard of a sassy diet.

One where you eat only grains and no protein…I tried that one once and gave it up when I started whinnying.

If all else fails, there is a diet that caters (no pun intended) to your blood type...Well what if you don't know your blood type? But I did so I looked into it anyway, and it said I should eat nothing but grains. Once more, I am not a horse.

And of course there is the constantly in the news, all you can eat beef, pork or chicken diet...Oh PULEEZE! Again you can eat a pound of bacon but you can’t have an apple. Make sense to you or am I the only idiot who doesn’t get it?

So what now? I have no clue but I will tell you about something someone said to me years ago that I have never forgotten.

I had a customer come into my store every single day. A little guy from Korea; Just the cutest thing; Anyway…He would buy his one item, pay for it; bow and leave.

One day he came in and as he was paying for it he said “It’s my birthday today.”

“It is? Well happy birthday.”

“Tell me how old am I missus.”

I am horrible at the age game and I didn’t want to offend him. What if I was wrong? Oh well. I’d give it the old college try.

“52 maybe?” I cringed thinking perhaps he was one of those old looking 45 year olds. He just smiled, so I knew I had under guessed by a few years.

“I have lived 84 years today,” he beamed.

“Yeah right” I said. There was no way I was off by 32 years. He just smiled and nodded and I knew he wasn't lying. “What’s your secret?” I asked.

“I eat only what is given from God.” Well, I am not really sure what that meant but it’ always stuck with me just the same.

So here I am six years later, an overweight, out of work pastry chef, creating a blog that probably no one will read, wondering what do I do with the rest of my life?

Do I start one of those ‘I’ll try it, but will more than likely forget about it by the end of the week’ fad diets anyway? Probably not. Do I binge on the half gallon of homemade Piña Coloda ice cream I have hidden from my roommates in the freezer? Probably shouldn’t.

The truth is I love food too much to diet. I am not disciplined enough to diet and have absolutely no desire to go on a diet.

So tomorrow maybe I'll try to start getting younger.

I don't know if this is really what the old man meant (by the way, his name is Hal), but my take on it is…if it comes in a bag, a box or a can, you shouldn't eat it. Of course there are exceptions to even that rule for me. I mean I am a huge milk drinker and as much as I am an animal lover too, I can’t just bring home an udder. Ya know? But we will learn about these as we go along.

Tomorrow, August 13th, 2009 this 5 foot 8 inch 264 pound chef is going to give up everything that isn’t real. For the next 107 pounds I will share the good the bad and the ugly with you as well as the recipes I’ll create ‘out of the box’.